Welcome to my World!

A Word about Narcissism

It seems as if narcissism has taken over our world recently. In reality it has been happening over thousands of years. Throughout history we see examples of narcissism or narcissistic behavior. Nero the fifth Roman emperor and Vlad Drakkula the Impaler are examples. Another example is Joseph Caiaphas, the high priest of Jerusalem. You remember him. He was the one who wanted Jesus crucified. In fact many narcissistic people have shaped and formed the world. You see, narcissism isn’t always a mental illness. Sometimes it is a way of thinking or a learned pattern of behavior. A pattern of learned behavior that continues until someone says no more, it stops here, and it stops with me.

In Hosea 4:6 God states, “My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge.” Many people are raised in families that profess Jesus or God in their beliefs. The actions of the family members tell a different story. Matthew 7:16-20 tells how we will know the good from the evil. Verses 16-17: “You will know them by their fruits. Do people gather grapes from thorns or figs from thistles? Even so every good tree brings forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree brings forth evil fruit.” The trees are the people and our actions are the fruit. Our actions tell on us and they speak louder than words.

In the Beginning

As a small child my older sister and one of my two brothers took care of me. Mom wasn’t happy to be pregnant in her late 30’s. She told me many times how I was unexpected and unwanted. “I raised my three and thought I was done and then you came along.” I remember being in a highchair a lot. Mom said she had me in the highchair a lot so I couldn’t get into trouble and she could talk to me about all her troubles. The upside to that was that I learned how to talk in full sentences while other wee ones were still saying mum and dada.

When I was 5 years old mom would send my little sister to the neighbor’s house. Then mom would tell me that she wished that I had been born dead and wished that I had never been born. All this happened while no one else was home. When I was older mom, would get off the phone with her relatives and grab dad’s leather belt. Mom would come after me to tell me what all she thought that I did wrong. She was angered by her relative but I had nothing to do with it. As I became a teenager I started piecing things together about her behavior.

As I was becoming an adult my dad took me aside and made me promise him one thing: “Promise me you will not be like your mother. Promise me you will not yell and scream like she does. There are better ways of talking to people. If you want to be heard drop your voice down low and whisper what your point is. The other person will hear you and they will know you mean business. Promise me.” So I did. I’ve tried not to yell and scream like mom. Yet, every now and again I catch myself sounding just like her and then I remember my promise.

I didn’t tell you all this to make you think my mom was an evil person. In fact, in her old age she disclosed her upbringing to me. She had to be the one that raised part of her siblings as she was the oldest of 10 kids. So she passed me off to my siblings as her parents had passed her siblings off onto her. She took her anxiety and frustrations out on me the same way her parents had done to her. In fact, all my life I heard about how if I had been born a boy she would have wanted me. Why? Because all her life growing up her dad said the same thing to her. My mom had projected her childhood onto me. Mom bought me boys jeans to wear to school until finally one day my older sister asked me if that was what I wanted to wear. When I said no and let her know that I had begged mom to get me girls jeans, my sister had a talk with our mother. Mom was mad as hell and pitched a fit. Mom had been trying to make me a boy but her plan didn’t succeed anymore than her own father’s plan did with her.

Growth

In my 20’s God moved me to North Carolina to teach me what love was. Down there I took care of a lady that became to me the mom I wished that I had always had. She taught me things that a young woman should have learned growing up. She made a big deal over my birthday. I still love lemon pound cake to this day.

My mom always made me heart shaped chocolate cakes with chocolate icing decorated with red hots. Those cakes, when I was a small child, always came with a threat. If I didn’t do exactly what mom said then mom would threaten to cancel the whole birthday party. Mom would threaten to take all the gifts back to the store. Those threats would last the whole week leading up to my birthday. I remember crying a lot as a small child. Birthday gifts don’t seem like a gift when you have to earn them.

Those lemon pound cakes in my young adult years are special to me. My birthday became a celebration of me as I am and not of what I could do to please someone else. Those years in North Carolina are precious to me because I got to finish growing up.

Then I made some mistakes. I learned. I made a choice; a decision. As for narcissism and carrying on bad patterns of behavior it stops here, it stops now, it stops with me.

My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. In my writings I give you knowledge and as you know knowledge is power.

Closing Thoughts

As for my mom, in her old age she changed and became the good mom I wished she had been more of when I was little. She gave me her wedding ring and she told me that she was glad that she had me and my little sister. That happened after I made another choice; a decision to forgive her. A decision that happened between me and God. And now I miss her.

Every year I eat chocolate cake with red hots on it for my birthday. With the help of a close friend my birthdays are now a celebration of life.

Sometimes people are mentally ill. Sometimes people are emotionally wounded. Sometimes people learned bad behaviors. Sometimes we think someone is a narcissist because of their tendencies towards bad behavior. Sometimes the behavior is a trauma response because of what they went through as a child. That person with a lot of desire and work on their own self can overcome but they have to want to. Other people never make the choice to overcome. Those people have become so steeped in the story that they have been telling themselves all their lives that they cannot and will not change. A real narcissist will not change because without the story they as a person do not exist in their world. If they are a real narcissist, then to them, it is their world and they are the center. Everyone and everything revolves around them and they micro manage it all.

I am glad my mom did change. She wanted to. I am glad that she shared her childhood with me. I am glad that we got to form some good memories together before she passed on. Narcissism isn’t always a mental illness. Sometimes it is a way of thinking or a learned pattern of behavior.

Tonya M Brill

You are more valuable than you believe you are and you are more capable than you think you are.

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